(I have a pretty good memory, if you know me personally and are going to be a dick then don’t talk to me about it, or if you have a rude comment like this is for me leave me alone dickhead.) So my entire existence has been uneventful and boring besides the parts i’m leaving out but yeah okay. So birth until age 7 I think we lived in this really big house like it was massive and I had two rooms I was spoiled as fuck :P well anyway the only memorable things at that point were my night terrors. I would regularly get very vivid night terrors if you don’t know what those are it is where you have terrible nightmares that you usually can’t recall, then you wake up and don’t remember anything but what happened in the dream or you remember nothing whatsoever for the amount of time you are in that state which would be until you fall asleep and wake up again. It’s kind of like temporary amnesia. I’m sure people have them differently than me but I would wake up and start having a panic attack type of thing and i’d cry until one of my parents heard me, it was usually my dad. Well my dad would walk into my room and I would have no idea who he was and I would freak the fuck out, I only really remember one time and I hid in my closet until I fell asleep from exhausting myself. The only way I would wake up or fall asleep was if my dad drove me around the neighborhood even though i’d fight the whole way. I have no idea how the police were not called by the neighbors. Anyway I almost completely stopped having those around age 7, we moved that year which was difficult because that’s when it was obvious I was afraid of change, that was the year I started first grade as well. I hated school and had trouble making friends, i’d cry every morning on the way there and once I got there I would stop out of embarrassment. Back to the change thing first.. Ok so when we moved I completely stopped having night terrors which could have been connected to my lack of sleep, I was so terrified of the move I couldn’t understand why things changed I didn’t even understand when my mom got new furniture. When my dad shaved his head I was so upset I hardly talked for the next few weeks. Keep in mind this was all at a young age… Back to the first grade. I felt like if I tried to talk with anyone they would criticize me or ignore me so I didn’t. Sometimes people talked to me but I tried to get out of the conversation as fast as possible. By the end of the school year I was assigned a friend like my teachers literally assigned a girl to talk to me which was probably the worst thing about that year considering I had no idea how to talk to people I didn’t know. That’s all I remember from first grade but second grade is a lot clearer, I joined soccer that year and made the best friend i’d ever had. She ended up being in my second grade class, from there to around 4th or 5th grade I had accumulated friends through her. But I remember 3rd grade quite well because that year we had a new classmate who my best friend had immediately started talking to more often than she did me. I didn’t say anything about it because I was still bad at saying how I feel or even striking up conversation the only time I was capable of talking to people is when someone I was close to was around. That year I made a new best friend but shortly after my original best friend started talking to me again and my new best friend which I met through her anyway (of course). This is where I started developing anger issues (last years of elementary.) My former best friend and I would fight with the newer one quite often. At first I didn’t understand it because I’d only ever had one close friend and had never fought with anyone before. It continued like that for a very very long time. A year later it was our first year of middle school, I wasn’t very excited about it but my friends seemed to be. That year everyone but my first close friend stopped talking to me, people started to ignore me, the people from new schools who I hadn’t met before asked if I was a mute on multiple occasions and many probably still think so to this day. This is when I realized I had to step out of my own mind and try to understand others which was very difficult because my former social interactions were based on mutual friends or offensive humor (which I learned a lot about the year before) for some reason all of my old friends liked to joke about each others appearances, I never thought appearances had mattered until the first year of middle school though. I didn’t even start wearing makeup until the end of 6th grade because I wanted to try and fit in. Back to understanding others, I didn’t get how others thought I didn’t understand how they could stop talking to me out of no where and it scared the shit out of me. I didn’t understand why it was funny to make fun of people especially your friends. I didn’t understand how people could ignore someone else’s feelings so thoughtlessly. But all of my old friends seemed to have grasped the concept years prior. So in order to fit in I started to make jokes about other people and point out flaws and stuff of that sort I wasn’t trying to be mean, the people around me said it was just gossip and if it’s the truth its not an insult anyway I started gossiping, I was good at it too. I could never bring myself to say something to anyone’s face though, I hardly wanted to say anything about anyone at all at first. But once I realized the things I said made my friend laughed I continued to do it, then my other friend came back into my life and I “Gossiped” with her as well. At that point I was making myself feel sick, I couldn’t stand myself, so I stopped doing that for awhile and I guess my friends followed suit and instead started talking about each other, we had so many issues between the three of us that year that I resorted to things I won’t mention and so did they, the year ended leaving us un trusting of one another. During summer I got a skype account and started getting online friends off of things like omgpop.com. The next year is by far the worst year of my life, i’ll start off with this, my dog who I love indefinitely was ran over by my mother while I was in the car (I loved this dog as much as I loved my parents.) My mother told me to get out of the car and see if she was in front of it, I said no because it was cold outside, my mom said “Fuck it.” and sped forward, we hit a bump I jumped out and saw what I considered a better friend than the ones I had at school (at that period in time) bleeding out in my drive way. Like I said before about the fear of change, this was the biggest change I’d gone through, I’d spent a lot of time with this dog, and i’d never experienced anyone or any pets dying. And at school my friends and I were not getting along so I was basically alone even though we were friends every other week. I wanted to try making new friends but every time I tried to talk to someone it was like nothing would come out and I’d get a sick feeling in my stomach and sometimes lose vision for a few seconds. But one of the times we became friends again they told people about the stuff I don’t want to talk about and I got a therapist and a diagnosis and I have Metathesiophobia (fear of change) anxiety, and depression.. Most of this got bad because of my lack of understanding about others and not knowing how to talk to people. Anyway after that I was mad at my friends for selling me out so I got some online friends that I cared for a lot because they are the only ones I had ever made myself, I find it easier to make friends online and if I don’t understand something I can look up a way to reply before replying so I feel in love with the internet. My internet friends came and went and they left me devastated each time because I get attached way to easily and a lot of them had depression and suicidal thoughts and because I am caring of people I hardly even know I gave up on real life and devoted my time to helping those people which was a waste of time. But through all that I did realize I was good at making people feel good about themselves :-) anyway the next year rolled around and my two friends and I stopped talking and we consider ourselves friends now but hardly talk I really don’t even talk with the first one because she was accepted socially therefore has a lot of friends. I still don’t really talk and am the same i’ve been all my life but I have a really cool internet friend named stefano (if you see this go away cvnt) and I sometimes talk to other internet friends to and I hope I can learn to understand people and make conversation in the future. And I didn’t go back and edit his because it’s really for me anyway so I don’t forget things I have to work on and try to do and overall remember the things I want to. I didn’t add a lot of happy things because I remember them least for some reason but idk the ending was happy in my opinion. But a happy thing I need to remember is that my grandma is the best fucking person I know and I love her a lot. (If I quit tumblr ever I just wasted like 20 minutes of my life.)

I might come back and add happy things I want to remember when i’m bored again :-)